Beginnings

My spiritual journey started decades ago, at the age of six. I was raised in a Mormon household and was the oldest of what would eventually become four children. It was at that age that my father began sexualizing me, which would have been horrible enough, except that he compounded my confusion and turmoil by telling me what was happening was my fault and that I was going to hell. As a six year old, I believed what he was telling me with the absolute certainty of a young child, the combination of which created anxiety, insecurity, and insomnia that has stayed with me my entire life. It also broke my faith in my father, the Mormon religion and god.

At thirteen, I read "Where the Red Fern Grows" and the end of that book has stayed with me the entirety of my life. The boy goes to his mom after both of his coon hounds have been killed by a mountain lion while they were hunting and his mom tells him that their deaths were god's will so that he would no longer have an excuse to stay behind with his grandfather when the family moved to a new city. The idea that god would kill that boy's dogs in order to keep their family together impressed upon me the fact that I would get no shelter with that god. I stopped believing in the Mormon god that day, which created all sorts of issues for me since I refused to go to church any longer. Thankfully, I received support from my mother in my battle with my father over my refusal to attend services any longer. 

At eighteen, walking to work one day, I became fascinated by the shape and delicacy of a maple leaf hanging from the branch of a tree I walked past. In examining the leaf, I recognized the perfection I held in my hand, and realized having something like that happening by accident was less likely than had it been directed. It didn't rekindle my belief in a god, but it did open the possibility for other options to present themselves.

That winter, just before Solstice, I met a woman that changed everything. Over the course of the two weeks following my introduction to her, I began dealing with the understanding that I was a lesbian and combined with that were the beginning glimmers of understanding that there were more spiritual options than the very narrow concept I was raised with. It was my first introduction to the concept of a Goddess, which I took to like a fish to water. A couple of weeks after I came out, I bent the knee and pledged myself to Her. 

I had no idea what I was doing.

It didn't matter. The Great Queen answered my pledge. It would take 42 years before I knew Her name.